WARP Bot - Wellness After Resolution Protocol

A Severance-inspired Slack bot that sends mandatory wellness interventions to incident.io responders. Because The Board cares about your tempers.

What It Does

Click to watch The Board initiate mandatory wellness (2 min)

When you resolve an incident as Lead, The Board sends you this:

🌐 WELLNESS AFTER RESOLUTION PROTOCOL
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
@YourName, The Board has initiated WARP for INC-42: Database outage.

The work is mysterious and important. Please enjoy all incentives equally, 
showing no particular emotion.

Select your reward:
🐐 - Mammalians Nurturable
💃 - Music Dance Experience  
🧘 - Wellness Session
🍉 - Melon Bar
🥚 - Egg Bar

Praise Kier.

Click an emoji, get a wellness intervention, complete it with ✅. That's it.

Why?

After an incident, your tempers are untamed. Woe. Frolic. Dread. Malice. Each must be refined through Kier's consecrated methods.

WARP ensures no responder's tempers go untamed. Through mandatory wellness interventions - from the coveted Melon Bar to communion with Kier's creatures - we refine the four tempers that incidents create.

The work is mysterious and important. The wellness is mandatory and sufficient.

Quick Start

1. Create Slack App at api.slack.com

   • Bot scopes: chat:write, reactions:write, reactions:read, im:write, users:write
   • Event subscription: reaction_added

2. Get incident.io API key with read permissions

3. Configure .env:

SLACK_BOT_TOKEN=xoxb-your-token
SLACK_SIGNING_SECRET=your-secret
INCIDENT_IO_API_KEY=inc_api_your-key

4. Run it:

npm install
node index.js

How It Works

• The Board monitors incident.io every 2 minutes for resolved tribulations
• Upon resolution, The Board deliberates for 2 minutes (as is proper)
• The Incident Lead receives their mandatory wellness directive
• Through sacred emoji selection, tempers are tamed in threaded communion
• 5% chance Kier whispers through the ages

No higher purpose may be found than this. Nor any higher love.

Known Quirks

• Auto-adding emojis often fails - just click them manually
• Only recognizes default severity names (Critical/Major/Minor)
• Sessions lost on restart (no database)
• Can't DM users who haven't approved the bot

Future Ideas

• Waffle Party achievement (5 incidents in n timeframe)
• Defiant Jazz opens up Spotify playlist
• Add more overall verve, wiles and wit
• Different wellness for SEV1 vs SEV3
• Team wellness for multiple responders

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The work is mysterious and important. Praise Kier.

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This project uses the fictional setting of Lumon as depicted in the TV series Severance (created by Dan Erickson for Apple TV+). All respective trademarks, character names, and world elements remain the property of their respective owners. This project is not affiliated with or endorsed by Apple TV+ or the creators of Severance.